@wigglytuffitout Prompt: Bruce Pennyworth, Clark Kent, Lina "Inverse" Kyle, and Pam Isley play D&D

@noelle i honestly have absolutely kicked this idea around but through like. memos posted on the break room at justice league headquarters

dnd house rules -

  1. batman's character is not allowed a bag of holding
  2. batman's character is not allowed to use mage hand[ several additional rules follow ]
  3. BATMAN IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING BUT DM
  4. BATMAN IS NOT ALLOWED TO DM ANYTHING EVER AGAIN
  5. batman is only allowed to play if supes makes the character sheet on account of being a horrid minmaxing goblin(small scribble of protest in the margins: THIS IS GOTHPHOBIC)

@noelle ok that formatting kinda broke but you get the idea

if there's any superhero who would exclusively play minmaxing munchkins, and interrupt a carefully planned adventure in order to invent the peasant railgun and other rules-lawyering nonsensical shit, it's batman

Follow

@wigglytuffitout "Hey guys, I've got a great idea for a charact--"

"four voices at once NO."

@noelle this is exactly why supes makes the character sheets, and bats rolls around making dramatic frustrated noises about it

meanwhile superman is playing The World's Most Boring DnD Character, because of course that fool is playing a lawful good human paladin. of course he is. he somehow makes it interesting and is a great party member but of course he is.

@noelle meanwhile wonder woman is all

"oh right, it's time to debut my character! had to keep it secret to make sure i was able to do the voice right -"

"wait, are we doing character voices, i thought we said -"

"AHEM. ......hey it's me, taako, from tv,"

entire rest of the table riots

@wigglytuffitout "Tonight, Superman am playing lawful good paladin!"
"...Clark, your sheet says 'rogue'."
"It do not!"
"Hang on a second."

they confer.

"So that's totally Bizarro, right?"
"Yeah, but..."
"What?"
"It'd be nice to have a change, you know?"
"What?"
"Clark always plays a lawful good paladin. Maybe a rogue will shake things up."
"Bruce, your boyfriend is missing and has been replaced by an extradimensional impostor."
"Look, if he hasn't freed himself by the time the session's done, we'll go find him."
"But--"
"It'll make him feel better. Ego boost. And besides, he'd want us to welcome a new player to the table."
"...I desperately wish I could find a way to argue with that."

@noelle bizarro is the one who shows up and insists he's playing a kobold. everyone else just kinda goes

"...fuck it, let's see where he's going with this"

by the end of the adventure bizarro has ended up playing The Adopted Team Mascot the whole campaign through; the next campaign bizarro's gonna DM and they're ALL playing kobolds

@noelle @wigglytuffitout

I want to know who leaked my campaign notes.

Also, I kind of want to make a tongue-in-cheek list of things players aren't allowed to do (in the spirit of "Things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do...), but don't know how to do so because I allow so darned much in my campaign I gave the kobolds megazords.

Megazords.

@magicalmilly @noelle @wigglytuffitout In this case, no.

Dr. Bright is from the SCP universe, and as a near-immortal has very poor impulse control for a doctor of science.

There's a list of 300 things he's not allowed to do on the scp-wiki page.

@noelle @wigglytuffitout To be fair I had to create the game mechanics for them, and they were never really balanced.

reading this is going to hurt 

@crash @wigglytuffitout I know Cindy did too. <3

@wigglytuffitout For what it's worth, I'm having a heck of a lot of fun doing ridiculousness in this world of yours.

@wigglytuffitout "Okay, Bruce, what's your address?"
"If I tell you you're not going to believe me."
"Just say it."
"*sigh* 1313 Mockingbird Lane."
"You are shitting me."
"I TOLD YOU."

@noelle it also means i have a co-conspirator to dunk ideas like this towards -

superman: oh you know it's great, i'm truly a man living the american dream! fame, fortune... big tiddy goth(am) boyfriend...........

batman, distantly: HEY. ......no talking about my tits without me

@wigglytuffitout Okay, so, serious question:

Which voice are you assigning to each character?

@noelle this is very hard partially because i don't know voice actors so good and partially because i am trying to reconcile tiny fighty bruce having a bit more high-pitched voice in my head than the growly rumble that usually batman gets

so far he's hovering around Somewhere Equivalent To The Lead Singer Of The Band Cake

@wigglytuffitout In my mind, I'm doing Tim Daly for Superman, Rino Romano for Batman, Gina Gershon for Catwoman, Uma Thurman for Poison Ivy, and Efrem Zimbalist Jr. for Alfred.

@wigglytuffitout (That is, in order, "Superman: the Animated Series", "The Batman (2004)", "The Batman (2004)", "Batman and Robin" (whatever 199x that was), and "Batman: the Animated Series".)

@wigglytuffitout (Kevin Conroy is the Best Batman but he's a little too stentorian for this version of Bruce.)

@noelle i will say that pam isley is in my head currently way more rumbly and deep. uma thurman is a fine actor but doesn't have quite the same talent for going around going hhhrrrmm. at various problems.

reach into your local lesbian bar and find three stone butches who fuckboy better than any fuckboy and you're 90% of the way there

i will say that Kevin Conroy is kicking around in the storyline in my head of multiverse fuckery, aka Oops! Too Many Bats!, because golden-ending-or-as-close-to-it batman calling in backup is what creates a pileup of batmans, having about 20 years on bruce pennyworth.

but there's also various "batman, but he ____"s in there. one of them is Batman, But He Went Into Military Spec Ops. Still Doesn't Use Guns. You Best Hope Your CQC Is Fucking Impeccable, Pal. aaaand he's just voiced by David Hayter because yeah that's just his whole deal, yep, that's him

camera cuts to him tapping his bandana. infinite batarangs youtube.com/watch?v=9DpkW7OUVj

@noelle other various batmans kicking around include

  1. Bruce Haruko Wayne, who doesn't know why the fuck people keep calling their mom martha, her name's Misaki and - ah fuck he's the only not all the way white guy in the room again isn't he. welp

  2. the batman who fought dracula. promptly gets nicknamed Van Helsing. he did other things you know. he's got a degree in theoretical physics from MIT. but does anyone ever ask about that? nnnoooo. no they do not. they only ever ask about the dracula thing. goddammit.

  3. the batman who decided to get heavily into the occult instead of gadgets but with the exact same level of minmaxing. has literally out-rules-lawyered demons. many times over. many, many, many times. how many times has he sold his soul to satan, exactly? well, you can ask him, but all you get is -

@noelle not appearing in the story, but mentioned - Beatrix Wayne, aka The Batman Who's Batwoman.

she's being held back as the ringer. (and it comes up when bats prime offers bruce pennyworth a "hey so being at the old family estate is just a vortex of triggers for you, if you want to go home that is a-ok, it's not me thinking less of you, it's the same deal i gave to beatrix where she sensibly declined to be in Deadnaming And Dysphoria Hell.") why is everyone so sure that she can turn the tide?

because she transitioned after already starting her crimefighting as batman, and transitioned the crimefighting alter-ego too

all the other batmans agree that yeah, okay, if beatrix is strong enough to do ALL THAT, then she's definitely the one to have waiting in the rings to curbstomp the multidemensional evil should it happen to trounce the rest of them. they trust her. beatrix'll get it

extremely tangential to the point of not actually being about this at all 

@wigglytuffitout Hey, so, I feel like I'm getting less "yes, and" from you and more "actually, I think" and ... would you like me to stop trying to impose my mental images on your world? It's okay if you would, I'd just like to know so I know not to do it anymore. And, frankly, I understand if your response is "well, I'm not getting the 'yes, and' I expect from you", because I feel like I might not be doing as good a job of that as I could be doing either. But I just want to know, for future reference. Should I reserve adding elements to my own fanfic?

re: extremely tangential to the point of not actually being about this at all 

@noelle honestly you also come up with very good ideas!! please don't feel like i'm dismissing you, it's more like. me being excited to have an excuse to dump some of what's been swirling around in my head out LOL, so if i seem to be kinda curt about it it's not me being mad or trying to be dismissive it's just. ................excitedtoinfodump

but also don't feel like you need to discard any of these grooves!!! god knows there's absolutely more room in the batman space, you can also have fun

also it would be hilarious to have some bruce pennyworths meeting each other and going WHY ARE YOU ME? YOU CAN'T BE ME, I'M ME, that then turns into -

re: extremely tangential to the point of not actually being about this at all 

@wigglytuffitout I understand. Thank you.

re: extremely tangential to the point of not actually being about this at all 

@noelle i'm sorry also for being a bit all over the place, i am... reaching peak scatterbrain in many respects

re: extremely tangential to the point of not actually being about this at all 

@wigglytuffitout I understand.

re: extremely tangential to the point of not actually being about this at all 

@noelle please know that the awkwardness is entirely coming from my end, i'm throwing some piss-poor charisma rolls tonight lol. fingers crossed that soon my shoulder will get fixed and i can have spoons left over for properly peopleing after a day of doing phone calls, but until then, please feel free to point and laugh at me, and i will do my best to do a better job of making room for you to play in the space <3

@noelle bizarro establishes DM dominance early on by letting batman roll a kobold that just so happens to look more like a bat than a dragonlet or similar (for who COULDN'T look at a honduran white bat and go Oh Look A Friend?)...

but then promptly taking bruce's minmaxing and using it against him because when bizarro DMs, all those stats get flipped, your highest number is now your greatest weakness HAVE FUN WITH THOSE MODIFIERS BRUCE

@noelle bruce somehow makes the rogue with -3 dex modifier work.

however he complains overdramatically the entire time.

the rest of the party declares this the best campaign ever, especially after clark has a quiet serious sidebar of "ok wait time out. ...are you seriously upset or -" "................no im just being dramatic" "and you're enjoying -" "yes i am ENJOYING myself being DRAMATIC. but thank you for asking. ......ANYWAY, ABOUT MY FUCKING ROLLS,"

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Hic quoque abibit.

Just Ellie (and perhaps some of her toys).