I hate to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in only five moves.

Those karate lessons really did pay off.

People will try to convince you that nothing rhymes with orange.

It really doesn't.

I was planning to tell a joke about communism here, but I'm worried that not everybody will get it.

I heard a rumor about butter, but I really shouldn't spread it.

If you stand over Mozart's grave, you can hear all of his music being played backwards, in the order in which he wrote them.

He's decomposing.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who are good at counting, and those who aren't.

A fish in a lake accidentally swam into a concrete wall.

He said, "Dam!"

One time I got lunch with Bonnie Tyler. We'd agreed to get Greek food, but couldn't find anywhere that sold it. I was happy to just get a burger, but she was holding out for a gyro.

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Hic quoque abibit.

Just Ellie (and perhaps some of her toys).